Robots Have No Soul

Shepp Blog: Day 6-End - The ridiculously long update.

2009-04-05T22:07:00.001+10:00

Ok. So the blog-a-day thing didn't work out. Anyway, here's a summary of the last 3 weeks...

Driving.

Cooking.

Barista-ing.

Sleeping.

Watching too much The Office-ing.

Winery-ing.

Tennis-ing.

Guitar-ing.

Accounting.

Dentistry-ing.

Sightseeing.

Anyhoo...Shepp was nice, but all the people and things I love are in Melbourne. I'm glad I'm back.

PS. I'm also glad Arsenal and Cesc Fabulous are back.

Shepp Blog: Day 4 & 5 - Peaches

2009-03-14T10:14:00.001+11:00

Thursday

Couldn't wake up early enough for the Arsenal v Roma match; slept through my alarm, and was woken up by someone in the next room telling me how boring my alarm tone was :S
Clinic day at Rumbalara (an Aboriginal Co-operative with an attached dental clinic) - another full day of some eye-opening clinical stuff that you just don't see in Melbourne. Worked through lunch, was starving at the end but it was more worth it than working through lunch at Camp Panch (that's what me and Michael are now calling Panch community clinic, since it's like a concentration camp...stopping short of making jokes about motivational slogans over the doorway).

Dinner: Crumbed Pork Cutlets with sage & apple sauce, potato mash and corn.

This was followed by a 'Pod Crawl' at one of the other pods that the Med students were staying at. No pictures and few memories of the rest of that, apart from the vague feeling that my 'friends' drew all over my face when I fell asleep on the couch. Thanks guys!

Friday

Since all our demonstrators are off getting 'educated' at the ADA conference in Perth, all clinics were cancelled for the day. So we took the opportunity to do some shopping and sightseeing before heading back to Melbourne.
Greater Shepp is a bulk buy grocery shopping paradise:

1. Campbell's factory outlet - 4 100g bags Kettle Chilli chips $2.50
2. SPC factory outlet - 6 bottles Ocean Spray cranberry juice $6
I don't see what else Andrew would need to survive, that sounds like his daily diet anyway. Winner.

Went out of town a little bit for Victoria's second best vanilla slices (previously best...apparently)

Icing was really sweet, custard was really soft and melt in your mouth, pastry was nice and flaky and a little crispy as well...yum...Ok I'm terrible at describing foods, so you'd probably have to go there to try it.

Lunch was at some olive farm...where I had soup of the day (French onion) and come to think of it, I don't remember any olives or anything in mine. Maybe the onions were sautee'd in olive oil.

The drive from Shepparton to Wheelers Hill is 210km, and takes about 3 hours. And I really needed to pee for about half of that trip. Hope I didn't ruin my bladder somehow...then in my room was this:

Thanks Kak.

Shepp Blog: Day 3 - Feet on the Ground

2009-03-11T23:23:00.001+11:00

The first day of dental stuff @ Shepp. Hooray!

Woke up at 6.30am to watch the CL match (Liverpool ripped up Real Madrid so badly...) then clinic at 9am. Was just assisting for the morning, but pulled a few teeth in the afternoon. The patients and staff and facilities are really nice down here; everything's a lot more laid back and more pleasant, it's a nice environment.

Went swimming at the local pool with the girls. Learnt one thing - I can't swim laps for shit. Mangers does 2 laps in the time I do one. And my arms and legs killed afterwards. Still went and threw the gridiron ball around with Michael when I got back though.

Dinner - fried rice with the leftover stirfry from last night, egg and ham. I think there's still leftovers of the leftover. We're terrible with portions.

Watched a bit of TV, played a bit of Wii, and now I need a nap; Arsenal is playing at 6.30am :D

Shepp Blog: Day 1 & 2 - Look Mum, HANDS!

2009-03-11T00:59:00.001+11:00

Huphup is online, so hooray!

This is my room. It's the smallest out of all the rooms, only has a single bed and doesn't have a balcony. However, it is next to the bathroom and it is umm...cosy...

Monday: The drive. Picked up Sam and went to Debbie's, then met up with Manyee and Irene (one of the BOHs) at one of the huge BP/KFC/Subway/Maccas stops along the Hume Highway. Tower burger for lunch (mmmm....) and then continued the long drive up to Shepp. There's a long stretch of burnt land along the Hume for about 20 minutes where the bushfires were; it really gives the bushfires a lot more significance (and we're told we'll deal with people who might have even been impacted directly); it's not just a newspaper headline anymore.

Lots of boring paperwork, told the laptops wouldn't be set up until the next day. Zzz. Did the grocery shopping (food, more food, some booze, more food...) then dinner time!

Michael's balls (they're big and salty and brown)

Pasta and meatballs - Master Chef M Nguyen, Sous Chef Tron

Ok I lied on the last bit, the girls made the garlic bread. Did some ironing after dinner while watching TV, then watched 2 eps of The Office before bed.

Tuesday: Woke up at 7.15am to this.

Not the most inspirational sight ever, but we'll make do. Did some exercise, had a shower before all the girls got to it (then there'd be trouble). Breakfast (for the first time in a long time) and morning coffee!!!

Lots of boring admin and 'this is where the gowns are kept' crap during the day, at least we got to finish at 3pm to go shopping. The SPC factory is the bomb-dig(gitty). $10 for 6 bottles of Ocean Spray cranberry juice - how could you say no! Did more shopping, refilled the car, then went back to cook.

Tron's Butter Chicken. Hooray for premade sauce!

'Family' dinner. Quite a dysfunctional family if I do say so myself.

Anyway, watched TV after dinner, ran a load of washing (Mum and sisters would be proud), drank some hot chocolate, fired a Happy Birthday video off to Tiff (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIFF!) and did the budget/accounts.

Gotta sleep, early wakeup tomorrow; watching the Champions League with Michael at 6.30 and first patients in Shepp...more to come tomorrow!

Shepp Blog: Crippled

2009-03-09T21:52:00.002+11:00

In Shepparton at the moment, but HupHup (my MBP) doesn't have internet connection until tomorrow, so I don't get my blogging software and stuff. Looks like it's going to be a long 4 weeks, with long clinical days, driving and nights with next to nothing to do...oh well, let's see how it goes hey? And I think my room is the smallest out of everyone's...and I only got a single bed (most other ppl got a double :(

Previous week recap:
Tues/Wed: Horse. Boring. Went home early both days, can't remember what I did when I got home.
Thurs: Panch. AKA Prison/Slavery/Something against the Geneva convention. Didn't get to eat lunch, so had to work through from 9-4. Traffic was shit too, so I was late getting to Panch, and took even longer getting home. Hooray.

Fri: RDHM, no patient. But we had lunch at Bistro de Vue (sp?) thanks to the fancy accountants at DPM. Had a ridiculous lunch (snails, oysters, steak, polenta with sardines, some tart thing, and tart tetane (definitely incorrect spelling)...redefined the definition of fine dining for me. Ok, maybe not redefined, but at least I know what the hell it's about now.

Sat: Fixed and cleaned the coffee machine in preparation for Shepp. Played 2 hours of tennis and about 3 hours of soccer...damn sore afterwards. Couldn't sleep on my pillow properly and also couldn't watch Iron Chef in comfort. Also couldn't headcheck when picking Holland up from the station. Hmm.

Sunday: Church (awesome message re. Passover meal), lunch @ Ashley's, car detailing for hours, then only started packing at 11pm or so. I'm an idiot.

Further update(s) daily once I get HupHup online.

Smile (Like You've Got Nothing To Prove)

2009-03-03T07:39:00.001+11:00

Saturday

Allans music sale was crap. Just some warehouse in South Melbourne with lots of junk that was scratched, loose or one off. $10 drum heads and 50c pick holders though!

Went to Ikea; Swedish meatballs are sooo fatty. Holland bought his desk for his new room. Didn't fit in the car, so we strapped it to the roof (and then stared at it through the sunroof the whole way home because we were scared it'd kill someone).
Took stuff to Holland's place that evening. Ikea furniture goes up so much faster with two people doing it...
KO'ed really early.

Sunday

7.30am music practice @ Church. Played with pretty much the old Apex team (Me, Dave, Ben, Jon + KB player...Sam in this case). Lots o' fun and so much less stressful when everyone knows what each other is doing and stuff just gets done. Leng got dunked (congrats!) then we had a surprise BBQ at our place to celebrate. Was actually more surprising that we kept it a secret from Leng. KO'ed in the afternoon and slept 'till 8, then drove Holland to his place. House won't be the same without him around, at least he'll be back on weekends.

Today (Monday)

No early morning start! Yay! Went to several IT stores to go get a new external drive...1TB. Never thought I'd ever need that much space...but now it seems I do. First shop had a really long line and smelt like urine. Second shop had a much shorter line, but took twice as long to get my item. FOB Asians always did suck at customer service. Carpooled in with Tabby (our new BFF) because we both have late night uni on Mondays now, and I'm meant to stop her getting raped walking back to the car. Apparently. Anyway, clinic + late night tutorials mean dinner in city on Mondays, goodbye money :( Also, they're doing roadworks on Jells Rd, which make it impossible for me to drive back home the usual way. So I'm now taking a 4-5 minute detour just to get home, and the sound of trucks reversing are going to keep me up all night. Ugh.

Next two days at Horse, Thursday @ Panch. Zzzzzz.

Tooth Bleaching Update
I think my bleaching tray sucks, I'll go make another one on Friday. Looks more like fluorosis than tooth whitening at the moment.

No Pain, No Gain

2009-02-27T15:52:00.001+11:00

Bleaching my mouth with the free bleaching stuff I got from SDI and my self made bleach tray. Some early thoughts:

- Why is this usually so expensive?
- 7.5% Hydrogen Peroxide BURNS.
- My mouth tray sucks, gotta make another one.
- 30 minutes of burning? Pain...
- This tastes nothing like spearmint.

Anyway, while waiting out the next 30 minutes, here are some damn cool things I'm looking at online.

Full sized glasses made from ice.

Lemon/lime slicer.

Beer bottle apparel.

My house is going to be so full of junk when I get a house. Also going to the Allans music sale tomorrow. If there's a cheap acoustic...get your grubby hands off it. IT'S MINE!

Close to Home

2009-02-27T08:11:00.000+11:00

Wow. Saw heaps of Vic and NSW CFA volunteers crowded outside Century City @ Glenny on the way to Uni this morning. You'd never think bushfires would strike so close to home; it always seems to be something which takes place beyond the outer suburban fringe. Good luck all of you, and good job.

Quotables

2009-02-26T23:53:00.001+11:00

I am lé tired. But I haven't blogged for a little while so I thought I should...at the very least to get my page view count up. Hooray!

(Following a discussion re. how young we are told we look)

"Yeah? Well I was told I look 16, but I think that guy was just trying to get into my pants." - Tabby

Monday - Half day @ Uni. Patient exam and referral, took a model of my own teeth so I could make a bleach tray, home. Zzzz...

Tuesday - Woke up to watch Arsenal in Champions League action. Robin van Persie!!! Day @ Knox. Pretty boring, except for a pulpal extipation through a 5-6 unit bridge. Ok, that's pretty interesting for me. Home, food, sleep.

Wednesday - Day @ Horse. Lady with 14 required fillings, only 11 or so teeth. DMFT Jackpot. Home, got asked to go watch Slumdog with Tabby and some others, but too tired :'(

"Nice jugs." - Rohan

Thursday...wait that's today. On call @ hospital; made my bleach tray, saw a patient, drove around too much. Free lunch because it's O-Week. Making silly conversation with first year re. dental suicide rate, she says it's all in the past because dentists don't inflict pain anymore. You have 5 years to learn the contrary. Yijun jokes that I'm actually suicidal, and first year asks if I broke up with my girlfriend or something (jokingly).

"Well, actually...yes." - Tron

That actually kind of hurt :( Oh, and pub crawl was on. Did the DD thing again and took people home. Also listened to that not-so-new Hillsong album. Not bad.

I also want to go to that Sound Relief event at MCG. Tickets $75. Playing: Augie March, Jack Johnson, Jet, Kings of Leon, Wolfmother. Damn, I so want to go...who's coming with me?

PS. I'm not suicidal. Honestly!

Hypothetically Speaking

2009-02-23T00:03:00.001+11:00

Weekends are so tiring, there's always something to do. Such as think about stupid things like:

What I Could Have Bought With The $900 Handout If I Was Eligible

1. Melodica.

2. A digital camera. The new Canon Powershot SD780 looks damn sweet.

3. Pay my Visa bills.

4. 2 TB of external HDD storage (my backup drive is almost full).

5. More green coffee beans.

6. Maker's Mark Bourbon. Or some Glenfiddich 15yr single malt. Mmm.

7. Pay to get my electric guitar serviced properly for once.

8. Go tie shopping.

9. Buy more curly fries from Aldi.

10. See the Kings of Leon gig.

Sigh.

PS. Ben & I are officially Tabby's new BFFs in lieu of Vicky (until she gets back, then we're BFFs in waiting. Or something like that...*big grin*)

If You Loved Me...

2009-02-21T12:07:00.001+11:00

Hohner HM-32 Melodica - $229

...you'd buy me one of these. I know you don't, so I'll have to buy it myself :(
I'll just get it in red instead.

Hohner Student 32 Melodica - $79.50

Listen to THE MELODICA!:
Ben Folds Five - Steven's Last Night (YouTube)
Ben Folds Five - Smoke (YouTube)

Just Your Typical/Now It's Your Turn

2009-02-20T14:38:00.001+11:00

Another week of what seems normal to a 5th year Christian dental student going through life. Some memorable moments (in no particular order):

Drilling & Filling
- Ridiculously large restorations.
- Kids starting to cry on you when you decide to tackle not one, but two fillings in one sitting.
- Enjoying the fruits of patient rapport ("you should become a surgeon and do implants or something, you have such soft hands.")
- Not stuffing something up majorly.

Other Stuff
- Breaking 2 sets of tennis racquet strings, then Dad misinterpreting it thinking I actually broke the racquets.
- Not doing enough exercise.
- Lamb & brie toasted sandwiches. Mmmmmmm...
- Blick bopping/dancing/singing/whatever to the bass guitar on Sunday.
- Music as a hobby, not as a chore.
- Rediscovering how boring solo train rides are.

People
- Finding out you're strong enough for people to cry on your shoulder again.
- Watching other people go through shitty weeks and remembering exactly what it feels like.
- Realising not everyone has a heart. Or brain. Or both.
- Missing friends.
- Continuing to realise that the hole in life is more like a crater, and takes a lot more than one person's interests and hobbies to fill it in.

Not a bad week I must confess, I'm not going to mind life as a dentist.

PS. Still not sure about this new layout, obviously I still really want an iPhone...C'MON APPLE, GIVE ME THE NEW IPHONE ALREADY!!!

Listening to: Typical - MuteMath. Most ridiculous video clip ever. Watch it.

[olive] Juice isn't the same as Cordial.

2009-02-12T18:59:00.001+11:00

Life is getting back to something resembling normality. Less moody, somewhat brighter, getting back on top of things in a post-apocalyptic kind of way. Here's a quick recap.

Monday

Uni. To those who think dentistry is a lot of hard work, I took photos of teeth and then stuck them to a wire from 2-5.15pm. That's the kind of thing a university education rewards you with; skills to pay the bills.

Played indoor soccer at church from 9-12ish. Put a hole in the ceiling (well, I didn't, but that's just details) and have to fix it some other day with Ben.

Tuesday

Uni. Did the whole examination in 60 minutes thing, that's 3 times faster than it took me 2-3 years ago. We're getting there. Did more tooth sticking/painting. Was meant to fix the hole in the ceiling with Ben, but I was too damn tired. Afternoon naps are king.

Wednesday

Clinicals @ Knox. Andrew calls me up at 7.30 in the morning and asks if Knox/Ferntree Gully is on fire because he said he saw it on CNN. That's what Singaporeans get for:

a) reading American news sources for local events,

b) living in crowded urban environments and being scared of dirt and trees and

c) being Singaporean.

Anyway, clinic was good this week. I still haven't had a crappy paedo patient, which kind of instils some confidence in the youth today. Just a little. Went to church to see if we could fix the hole in the ceiling with Ben, but the ladder we wanted to use would barely reach halfway. Going to set up the scaffolding on Saturday, might as well make it a Synergy/Jwalk event or something or it'll take us 10 years.

Also got conned into playing Burbenog with Ka, Ben and Jon at 12am, didn't finish till 2.30 or something...and we didn't even win. Death.

Thursday

I'll let you know when it's over...but it's nice to know that people can pick up who you are just by how you write and what you say, even if you do it anonymously. I think we're back to 'cordial' and hopefully we can work our way from there.

Also very interested to see who I'm lumped with for this dental yearbook thing that I'm now in charge of. I think I was drinking when I put my hand up for that...noooahhhh...but it should be fun :)

Iron horse is getting to my station, better go!

The least likely of friends

2009-02-08T18:05:00.001+11:00

Okay, maybe not the least likely. But probably the least likely to help at this time. And ironically, the one who knows me best and understands how I feel. None of my other friends understand what a 4 year break-up feels like; how you can still feel and care deeply for the other even when you know being together would never work. The only one who cares enough to delve through some shit to help you out. She said something along the lines of 'you can't expect anyone except someone who really cares to help you out and put themselves all your emotions when you're all depressed and moody'.

I have this habit of overestimating/thinking more of people/expecting more of humanity. I guess I forgot people have enough problems dealing with their own lives, let alone lending a hand with someone else's. It's a saddening realisation, but it makes knowing at least one person still cares that much more special. Which in this case is a dilemma in itself.

Listening to: Brick - Ben Folds Five (but because I'm playing it on piano, not because of what it's about)

Landed

2009-02-07T09:03:00.001+11:00

In that Ben Folds mood again. In a weird way this song totally encapsulates my feelings, except I don't want that end result.

Didn't go to some party yesterday because I'm still haunted by someone's ghost. Except I don't even know that ghost would have even cared if I did go or not. No one knows what the right thing to do is; I don't think there was, just the 'least wrong' one. And like a dagger imbued with déjávu of relationships past, there is no winner, only pain and anguish. Ended up going to church to watch the kids. Definitely felt better than having to go home afterwards. And in another cruel twist of fate, Ben ends up going out with his friends to the same place I'm running from.

This was honestly the worst week in my life, ever. I wonder if anyone even knew. Hope that things can only go up from here; scraping the bottom of the barrel might suck, just wait 'till that barrel breaks.

Listening to: Landed - Ben Folds

We'd hit the bottom
I thought it was my fault
And in a way I guess it was
I'm just now finding out
What it was all about...

'Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
And I twisted it wrong just to make it right
I had to leave myself behind
And I've been flying high all night
So come pick me up
I've landed...

The daily dramas
She made from nothing
So nothing ever made it right
She liked to push me
And talk me back down
'Till i believed I was the crazy one
And in a way
I guess I was

'Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Treading the sea of a troubled mind
I had to leave myself behind
Singin' bye-bye goodbye I tried

If you wrote me off
I'd understand it
'Cause I've been on
Some other planet
So come pick me up
I've landed...

And you will be so
Happy to know
I've come along
It's over

And I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Down comes the reign of the telephone czar
It's okay to call
And I will answer for myself
Come pick me up...I've landed.

Manic Depression

2009-02-06T02:01:00.001+11:00

Ever wondered if you classify as depressed?

Taken from the beyondblue website:

Common behaviour associated with depression includes:

moodiness that is out of character - tick

increased irritability and frustration - tick

finding it hard to take minor personal criticisms - maybe

spending less time with friends and family - tick

loss of interest in food, sex, exercise or other pleasurable activities - maybe food.

being awake throughout the night - tick, just more than usual

increased alcohol and drug use - tick

staying home from work or school - sadly not

increased physical health complaints like fatigue or pain - nope

being reckless or taking unnecessary risks (e.g. driving fast or dangerously) - tick

slowing down of thoughts and actions - don't think so

Common behaviour associated with mania includes:

increased energy - for a little while

irritability - tick

overactivity - not sure

increased spending - tick

increased sex drive - nope.

racing thoughts - nada

rapid speech - zip.

decreased sleep - hell yes.

grandiose ideas - yes, i will not play piano like Ben Folds any time soon.

hallucinations and/or delusions - if bad dreams count...then all the time.

^^^^^^^^^^
And what does that mean? I don't know either.

Boy born with 24 fingers and toes

2009-02-06T00:56:00.001+11:00

BBC NEWS | Health | Boy born with 24 fingers and toes: ""

Fully jealous. The world is your oyster little man. Goodness, the things you could do/play with an extra finger. Glove shopping would suck ass though.

I have no soul.

2009-02-04T21:38:00.001+11:00

robots have no soul
Originally uploaded by LazyEye2

Looks like what I look like these days. Sigh.

You Can't Hide It

2009-02-04T18:02:00.001+11:00

Worst day of 2009 so far. Probably in top 3 of 2008-2009. I think I've gotten to the stage where you can't hide it any more, no matter how hard you try to, what you feel will gush out of the holes, no matter where, no matter how. Worst clinic day ever.

Positive thought - I wouldn't mind being a paediatric dentist. Sure, kids can be brats, but they don't know any better. Adults on the other hand, should. If some people can bitch about stuff when they're getting it for free, I'm not looking forward to getting out into the real world. I vote to go back to the survival of the fittest scheme of things, some people don't deserve to procreate. So much for positive thought.

I'm ridiculously moody these days. My demonstrators see it, my patients see it, I think my family sees it. Maybe I just need a break. Then again, I should be able to suck it up and put on the game face. Right? Maybe not.

Iron Horse

2009-02-04T17:54:00.001+11:00

3/2/09

Ahh, seems like forever since I caught the Glen Waverley train. Still just as lifeless and boring as ever. Annoying Avila girls get off at Mt Wav, lots of fobs getting on at Holmesglen, and all the people avoiding a zone 2 ticket getting on at Darling. Life might change, everything else doesn't.

Transport thought #1 - friends aren't there to solve your problems, only help you get through them.

I was meant to do my administrative research crap on the train ride, only to discover some of the emails I'm meant to write aren't required. So I'm sitting around bored looking at some guy with blue nail polish on his left thumbnail. Or is it highlighter ink? *shrug*

Off to Shepparton for 4 weeks next month. Don't know if I'm looking forward to it that much anymore; too much alone time. Maybe I'll become an MSN whore again, who knows. If other people can move to Geelong/Moe/interstate/overseas to study, so can I...right?

Listening to: "The next station is...Melbourne Central"

You stupid boy...

2009-02-02T01:48:00.001+11:00

Can't sleep, even though clinic is at 9 tomorrow morning and I have no idea what I'm doing. Mind has too much crap going on up there; contemplation, analysis, criticism, planning, guessing, hoping; all through a filter of despair. So like you would, you resort to trying to read other crap on the internet in the hope that you'll just fall asleep exhausted. But it never works.

You know you/they/we have screwed up royally when thing(s) that were done still haunt you months and years on. You know it's even worse when you feel so sorry, yet so powerless and unguided and thus end up either sitting up in bed as a sobbing wreck or just staring blankly into any space you can find. Of course, that doesn't help either. And then what do you do? Find a bigger rock to hide under, peer out and hope that you don't have to hide anymore, or send out your best diplomat and hope they can save your sorry ass. You choose, I can't.

"It'll be ok, it'll just take time" - everyone else.

It's a lie; time doesn't really heal, it just helps you forget until you remember again. Unless someone holds a grudge, in which case it comes back twice as hard. Two and a bit months on; still hurts like it did, degraded to something where eye contact is painful, and you can't sleep at night.

"Distraction is good, it should make you feel better."

The fact is, I can't find something to distract me that much. And I don't know if that something even exists or if I/others are willing to provide that sort of distraction. Maybe it's like war; even decades later the scars on the land still exist, lives are changed. No matter how much dirt/concrete/grass you put over it, it's changed forever.

"Deal with it, don't just hide it away, because it doesn't fix anything." - me.

So much for that. I don't know how to deal with it, so I hid it. Kind of. That worked well.

"You're a disgrace, you ruined all I gave you, but I'll love you anyway because you're mine" - God.

At least I'll always have that. Even if you metaphorically trash his place, spit in his face, yell and abuse Him. Then you feel ridiculously bad for doing so, say sorry, then do it all over again. Good work me.

Anyway, other than that, I'm feeling great. Yes, my weekend was great, thanks for asking.

Still listening to: Naive - The Kooks

Also listening to: Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head - Ben Folds Five

PS. I do realise none of this makes much sense, but it does to me. Somehow.

If you only knew.

2009-01-28T22:39:00.001+11:00

Ahh...life. What's it all really about, what's the point of it, why is it so difficult. I swear it was so much simpler, straight forward and a whole lot less fickle that it now is. The wide balancing beam is now a tightrope, and I'm getting ropeburn like no tomorrow.

Things that make it really tough:

- An old friend blogging very personal things about you, thinly veiled and sharpened like a fresh sickle scaler.
- Other friends not knowing the pain you really go through.
- Having to try to distract yourself from what you really feel just so you can put a smile on your face.
- Not having someone to listen.
- Knowing someone is reading and judging. All the time.
- Knowing other people have lives too; still wishing there was time for you in there. Somewhere.
- Couples. Especially PDA couples.
- Knives in the front; opposed to those in the back.
- Painful 'dreams'.
- Knowing people don't understand; not that they should, but just that they don't know what it really feels like. Maybe people never will.

And it's hot. And clinic starts at 8.15am. So much for normality.

Listening to: The Kooks - You Don't Love Me

Frienemies

2009-01-21T18:59:00.001+11:00

Does anyone have friends that remind you of army drill instructors? Not physically (like Trevski - hope law in woop woop is going well) but in their demeanour; pushing you 'till you break, making you work until physically exhausted, verbally whipping their cohort onwards and sadistically taking pride in your failure, only to then tell you "pick yourself up, put more effort in!"

I'm not sure I do, because they're not friends.

Mood: Saddened

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evi but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...now the three of these remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Cor 13.
See this Blog in its original, much more flashy and graphics intensive form at http:\\southcentraltronalon.blogspot.com

One of Those Days

2009-01-20T19:43:00.001+11:00
Anyone have those days where everything just seems to be pointing at you? When things you hear, read and other people say seem to reflect exactly how you're feeling?

How about when you have strange dreams; the type that you'd classify as nightmares, but are so much worse because they involve those around you (including those who you care deeply about) and are even more terrifying because you know that it's not too far separated from reality?

Well, it's one of those days. At least I have the sensation of a burnt face from the beach yesterday to distract me.

Mood: Perplexed

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Tron's Music Review

2009-01-17T16:40:00.001+11:00
I've been listening to a lot of music recently (either by request or after listening to a really good new song on Triple J or randomly surfing the net) so I thought I might lay down some 3 line reviews to see if people have the same thoughts as I do.

Kanye West - 808s & Heartbreak

Nothing like Late Registration and Graduation, and sadly I think it's for the worse. It's nowhere near as catchy and funky as its predecessors (think the searing brass section of Touch the Sky) and is instead replaced with a lot of electronic crap, and you kinda wonder what the hell he's smoking.

Key Track - Love Lockdown with its damn catchy piano riff and sexy drums, rather than Kanye's terrible Autotune'd vocals.

Akon - Freedom

Continuing with the trend with mass produced electronic 'R&B' (I don't think it should really be classed as R&B, it doesn't cut the mustard). All the songs on the album EXACTLY the same - maybe it's just the effect Autotune machine on his Senegalese vocal cords, or maybe its the fact that they didn't even bother to change the sound on the synthesiser for the first 3 tracks, then subsequently for the next 2. Bleeding out of your ears would be more pleasurable to listening to that album again.

Key Track - Holla Holla was promising, but was ruined by that damn synth player. Someone track him down and shoot him; honestly, it's for the good of the industry.

Joe - Joe Thomas, New Man

YES! Finally some decent music. Joe is back & I'm surprised he didn't name his album 'My Name Is Joe, Joe Thomas'. Anyway, old school R&B with that new synth R&B twist while retaining the sweet vocals that made those first few tracks so memorable. Definitely s#$^s all over the previous two albums I listened to. To you kids that didn't listen to music before 2000, THIS is what R&B should sound like.

Key Track - Hard to pick, because there are so many pure, good sounding tracks. Chameleon and Special Friends bring back memories of the golden era though...

Other things I haven't had time to do a detailed listen to:

Stereo MCs - Double Bubble: Sounds extremely promising with an amazing variety of beats, samples and grooves, on my 'must listen to' list for the month.

Franz Ferdinand - Tonight: Franz Ferdinand: Sounds like...FF. The usual tight grooves and eccentric hooks they usually dish up, but I think 'unique' doesn't stay unique for long. One trick pony perhaps.

The Kooks - Konk: The same catchy guitar riffs (electric and acoustic) as their last album, but sounds the same as the last album. Luckily I haven't grown sick of it yet since I just started listening to them.

Musiq Soulchild - Onmyradio: Never ever heard of him before (tres embarrassing) but a really strong R&B vocalist which makes me think of artists such as John Legend and Brian McKnight, albeit with a much fresher repertoire. Try to find it and have a listen, you'll be surprised.

Resin Dogs - More or Less: Nice Aussie hip-hop band which at first didn't even sound like a hack Oz crew (ahem, 'skip-hop'), but something more rough and ready from the US. Solid beats and loops, full of energy and amazing creativity. Also on the this month's 'must listen' list.
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New Year, Same Life.

2009-01-17T15:45:00.001+11:00
It's almost been a full month since I put something up on this blog, so I might as well fill it with what I've been doing to pass the time.

Very little of this:

A lot more of this (I know, it's Charles):

None of this:

Too much of this:

Too little of this:

None of this:

Things I should be doing now that life is how it is:

Hoping for a better 2009, because there should be a peak somewhere to balance out the troughs.
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You've Come A Long Way Baby...

2008-12-17T16:24:00.001+11:00
Pictures!

I really like the new pickup and the body could still do with a bit more work but its ok. Oh well, now I actually get to enjoy playing it again :)
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It's Alive!

2008-12-15T09:19:00.001+11:00
Franken-Guitar-Stein is done! Sure, I pulled an all nighter to get it finished, but I enjoyed every moment of it (ok, I lie a little). New pickup sounds nice, looks a lot better than i thought it would, and last but not least, it works! All I'm waiting for now is those tremolo springs from China somewhere and then I'll be like a pig in the proverbial. As far as the guitar anyway.

Pictures when I wake up.
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Cleaning Up

2008-12-12T13:13:00.001+11:00
Ugh. What a day. Thanks to everyone who came along to my place last night to eat/drink/cook etc. Everyone can also give a big thanks to Weng, who fed me that ridiculous drink that left me sleeping on the couch till 12.15am. I'll see you on Saturday Weng...

Anyway, I hope all of you enjoyed yourselves, because I didn't really organise anything, I just cleaned up the house. And now to clean it up again! Thank you to whoever invented the dishwasher, vacuum cleaner and steam mop - thanks to you three, I won't be spending my December cleaning up last night.

Goodbye to those of you I won't see until next year because you're all holidaying elsewhere (Mangers, Chewme, Rohan & co.), goodbye to most of my Dent and school friends who we'll probably only see once or twice during these holidays (the rest of you), and hello to the churchies who I'll see too much of in the next 4 weeks!

Guitar seems to be progressing. Ben said it looks less 'childish' than the old red finish; I don't know if I'd use the same lexicon but I agree with the sentiment. Thank goodness it's not as fugly as I thought it would be. Pictures after the first clear filler coat.

Anyway, life gets busier over the next 3 days. Doumani's, Weng's, then SAGgy's. Holidays aren't really holidays, they're just a break from Uni.

I need to catch up with the girl sometime soon to see how she's going, how she's feeling and how she's holding up. Call me sometime, because I'm not too sure you want me to call you.

Listening to: Hey - RHCP
I used to be so full of my confidence
I used to know just wanted and just where to go
But more than ever I could use a coincidence
But now I walk alone and talk about it when I know

Mood: Sober. Honestly!

What keeps me going: My Friends
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What's Going On?

2008-12-11T00:39:00.001+11:00
Wow, what a ridiculously busy few days. I forget how much I take parents being around for granted, and how much it cuts into the To Do list of Summer.

On the aforementioned list are:

Guitar - currently staining it. Looks pretty fugly sadly, but hopefully if I make it dark enough no-one will notice that I'm playing on a glorified 2x4. Not that it really matters; there's something really satisfying knowing that you can still rip it up on some ugly, cheap piece of crap and still be entertaining (in a good way).

Cleaning - thought I haven't done as much as I should have, I think the house is inhabitable. Or close enough to it. Still need to set up that patio heater, clean the kitchen, the bathrooms, my room, migrate back to my room, etc. At least clinic finishes in about 14 hours time.

Food - I really need more cooking experience. Tonight's menu by moi was asparagus, cauliflower + cheese sauce (with too much cheese - lesson learnt) and frozen crumbed fish. Time to expand the repertoire.

WoW - 78 35% and 61. What a time sink that thing is...

Recording - haven't done any for a while because the above items take up all my waking hours.

If you're reading this, I'm still thinking about you and what you think about me and every single hypothetical that you could imagine. To quote Jon - 'Sighborg'.

Listening to: The sound of sandpaper on wood

Mood: Hustling
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...Aren't That Bad/Friends

2008-12-07T01:59:00.001+11:00
Spent half of today helping out at the Kids Carnival at church. Kids are just small versions of us, and possibly sometimes less bratty and indignant that their grown up counterparts. Though I swear if we did some of the things they do when we were little we would have copped it bad, it has mischievous charm to it. Ahh, kids get away with anything.

It was really nice seeing friends again last night and today; wonderful knowing people care about you and worry and fuss over things. Had to retell the story of the girl and myself to a few people and realising just how complicated I might be making this. Anyway, reassurance and confirmation ensues, but doubt will always linger...

The guitar restoration project began today.

Before:

Then I took to it with a blowtorch, orbital sander, and screwdriver.

IT'S ALL A LIE! Does the wood underneath actually look like that? Nope. It's a sheet of paper with a yellow then red laminate kind of thing over the top of it. Oh well. Removed the lot, then took it down to bare wood.

It's not too bad. I think the burn mark that I *ahem*...accidentally put there under the bridge gives it 'character'. Maybe it'll look better after a bit of filler, a bit more sanding and stain & varnish/lacquer. Definitely visiting Bunnings tomorrow.

Listening to: Daft Punk - Around the World

Mood: Occupied
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Kids These Days...

2008-12-05T15:24:00.001+11:00

Government demands report on primary school bashing | Herald Sun

I thought I'd begun to hear it all about how kids grow up so fast, loss of innocence etc. Then again, I guess 'Monkey See, Monkey Do". It's a cruel world.

The best of the breast - Fashion | thevine.com.au

Then there's the almost outright ridiculous. Unless it's not. Someone please fill me in.
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It Hurts Less To Not Care...

2008-12-05T01:24:00.001+11:00
She spoke to me again today. It was an apology of sorts, but only confirmed that what I felt was real. The last few days have been a real struggle, with too much time to myself to think and analyse and self destruct. Friends never seem to be about when you're lonely; but then I guess that's why you're lonely in the first place.

Had clinic in the morning, thing's didn't go too well, but I felt ok regardless because I had something to do. When it was all done and dusted however, I couldn't have felt more depressed. Not sure what it was, but it was probably something to do with what she said last night, to the extent where I couldn't spend anymore time from the shelter of home.

The train is now the third worst place for thinking aside from the shower and in bed. No music, no scenery, no stimuli for positive thoughts; just the cold feeling of recirculated air against the back of your neck. So I had the usual lines of thought, played music in my head and waited impatiently for Syndal station to come along. There was no hunger or appetite for anything really, so the ivory keys became my friend for the better part of three hours with the final product being 4 minutes of crap on Facebook. I guess you have to start somewhere, right?

I think I've been lying in this bed for almost 8 hours now; knowing that I should probably eat something, or at least get a cup of water. I can't even bring myself to go pick up that buzzing phone. Oh well, we'll have to pick ourselves up and do it all again tomorrow anyway.

Listening to: Home - Foo Fighters

Mood: Lonely

What Keeps Me Going: Look at the birds in the sky. They don't plant or harvest or gather food into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. You are more valuable than they are, aren't you? - Matthews 6:26
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Letters For Tess

2008-12-04T02:38:00.001+11:00
Dearest six,

Requests leading to actions unwilling, yet somewhat necessary given the circumstance. Hearts laid bare because breaking points are breached, and the pen is the glue. You want the mind, the heart, the soul in a digestible form to be examined at your discretion, so here it lies.

They say actions are stronger than words, yet you say intent qualifies everything. The aspirations of heart and mind abode always with you, though you saw it to wander. Everything splayed on a platter, no stone unturned, nothing to hide, all laid bare. Yet uncertainty crossed your mind, presuming one may roam beyond boundaries invisible while you grasped the tether. Such disbelief unfounded, augmented beyond truth while it was always before your doubting eyes. Is this the cause of our plight, or is the sole epilogue to themes omnipresent in this dance?

The tangible body of being may have been two score and twelve from you, but my thoughts were never less that fifteen from you. I should have relieved those fears with more than simple parley, but did not know that you felt as such. And as you once promised, second chances breeds carelessness and should not be offered as forgiveness. Ensuing agony may be the wages of contempt; that signs should have been detected warning of the pitfalls ahead.

To think that there was joy when hark, she spoke. But the greeting only lead to bitter discourse; nothing to allay my deepest fears. Have I become what man could only dread, the very person I may well gaze upon with contempt, only to treat his greatest possession such?

I guess the verdict reads as such; innocent for doing no wrong, guilty for doing no right. Circumstance leads you to feel as you do, and eternal shame for the sufferance burdened upon you by the criminal. There is no remand nor pity, only the condemnation to eternal elusion and disdain with no course for atonement. So here I am, left in timeless limbo, with this mark upon my forehead and damned to wander the wilderness where only scorn awaits.

I will remain here with glass half filled, though hope will surely evaporate over time. I will remain committed to the end, even if only to honour the past. I know that it was once mutual, but surely stoicism could not be worse than this...

Listening to: Shiver - Coldplay

"And it's you I see, but you don't see me,
And it's you I hear, so loud and so clear,
I sing it loud and clear, and I'll always be waiting for you..."

Mood: Useless
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Distractions That Don't

2008-12-03T01:20:00.001+11:00
I should really be sleeping much earlier than I am, I've got a crown insert at 9am tomorrow and need to pick up Sam by 7.45...but my cousins wanted a game of AoE III and being the willing host I am...well...you know the rest. Anyway, today was my sit in bed and do nothing day; apart from grudgingly getting off my ass and picking up a parcel and doing some grocery shopping (if juice, packet pasta and pies equates to grocery shopping).

Sitting in bed and playing WoW is meant to distract me from the real issues in life, but it doesn't work as well as I thought it might. You still have those same *blank stare at the wall and gaze into the distance* moments that you have in swot vac, but instead of the background of stress of studying, it's replaced by some level 74 dragon something beating on your ass. To paraphrase Ron Perlman - 'Life, life never changes'.

At least the recording thing is getting off the ground. The three chords in the song are getting committed to muscle memory so I can concentrate on keeping my damn voice in tune. I wonder why voices are always flat and never sharp. Hopefully I can get it nailed before the end of the week so I can start on other songs or other things. And I still haven't touched the drumkit. So many things to do, so little motivation to even try to distract myself.

Oh well, back to the uni swing of things for 2 weeks - alarm set to 6.45am, coffee machine timer on, lack of sleep imminent. Just like how it used to be, only minus one.

Listening to: Sunburn - Fuel
"And you were gone, you were not there for me
And I cursed the sky and begged the sun to
Fall all over me, this life's not living baby
Livin' ain't free
If I can't find my way back to me
Let the sun fall down over me, let the sun fall down..."

Mood: Solemn
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Release

2008-12-02T01:03:00.001+11:00
Today I further realised how much music allows you be released from the stuff around you, even though I'm not very good at it. Pity it works both ways, with heightened emotions and all that also translating into lower lows. I used to be so confused by that concept; I remember Clarice saying she played the piano when she was feeling down and she got it out that way. and I would have probably nodded while thinking 'you're really crazy'. Anyway, much like some people paint or write poetry, I try to hit up some recording to cement my pitiful excuse for musicianship into time. As usual, not everything went according to plan (what ever does?).

I can't play piano and sing for nuts. Then again, I barely play piano for nuts. I'm still trying to sing and play The Scientist by Coldplay using my microphone which is hanging off the end of a bedside lamp acting like a poor man's mic stand. I really need to invest in some decent recording gear. It's pretty difficult to read the next line you're meant to sing while trying to remember what the next chord sequence is and which note was which...anyway, it got really late so I decided that the neighbours should be allowed some sleep.

I need to go learn songs for the upcoming recording sessions we've got planned. Pulled out the PodX3 from the car and was ready to figure out Two Princes with headphones when the high E string decided to pack it in when I don't have any spares. eBay here I come...I'm too lazy to drive all the way down to Billy Hydes at the moment.

Sometimes I wonder how far I could have gone if all I did was play music. Then again, it goes against my personal theme of 'Jack of all trades, master of none'. The last bit of that seems quite apt these days too. Anyway, might get laid into the old church drumkit tomorrow after running some errands, it's about time I got my hands dirty.
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Long Sleepless Mornings

2008-12-01T05:45:00.001+11:00

Just watched Arsenal rip Chelsea a new one. Well, it's not entirely true, I only woke up for the last 30 minutes and missed both of RvPs goals, then spent the last 30 minutes hoping that Arsenals infamous defence would hold. Luckily, the Gunners weren't feeling fickle tonight and gave me something to smile about. It's nice to be the underdog - no expectations with nothing to lose, not many other situations in life where you can give it everything with the knowledge that nothing will likely come of it.

Still thinking the same thoughts as usual; hoping she's okay even though I hear everything to the contrary while knowing that I can't do anything about it. It's the worst position for someone like myself to be in - wanting to wade in and fix everything, but knowing that whatever you do won't make anything better, but your 'masterly inactivity' just might. I wonder what she's thinking, and still despise myself for letting things be the way they are now. Everyone tells me to stop beating up myself about it, that things will somehow get better and that I need to rely more on good friends and healthy distractions. Of course, it ends up that your friends are frenemies (when you're down ain't your friend) or that the distractions you pursue are ridiculously unhealthy much like double beef and cheese burgers from Maccas. Or maybe they're more like mee goreng - smells absolutely delicious but so not good for you, but it's not until after you've eaten that second packet that you don't want to touch it ever again. Until you do.

The birds are chirping outside, I wonder if birds could ever chirp in a depressing manner. I wonder if birds ever get depressed. I wonder if life would be so much simpler if I was a bird. It might make it easier to sleep.

Listening to: Smoke (WASO version) - Ben Folds
"Here's an evening dark with shame, throw it on the fire.
Here's the time I took the blame, throw it on the fire.
Here's the time we didn't speak, it seems like years and years.
Here's a secret, no one will ever know the reasons for the tears.
They are smoke..."

Mood: Restless
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It Doesn't Mean Anything...

2008-11-30T18:04:00.001+11:00
This blogging stuff is really foreign to me. Just the idea of it gives you ridiculous amounts of stimuli for shower thoughts. For those unfamiliar with the term, it's where I do stupid amounts of thinking about anything from how well I'm convincing people I'm a dentist, to how much better voices sound in the bathroom, to how much work my body needs so I don't look like a twig. Anyway, my take on blogging is this - everyone is going to read this, so I can either write what I want everyone to see (see Facade) or write what I really feel (but may or may not be written in a extremely abstract or vague manner). Since I always subscribed to the 'honesty is the best policy' school of thought...

Anyway, it's a really strange time in life. I guess it feels like it can only go up from here, because I swear my ass is on the bottom of the barrel. Exams have been over for almost a week, but life is busier than ever, going roadtripping (which might not have improved my mood), seeing good friends I haven't seen for 2 months and looking in the mirror wondering if a pierced ear goes well with the buzzcut.

I don't know how long this blogging stuff will even last. I get too distracted. Like how an overwhelming urge to go play piano has hit me. Again.

What I'm Listening To: Selfless, Cold, Composed - Ben Folds
"It's easy to be, easy and free, it doesn't mean anything, you remain selfless, cold and composed"

My Mood: Grey
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